The Princess From Venus!

“Howdy, Sheriff!”  Dixie was a country girl, born and bred, and as she was playfully exaggerating her accent, her speech was filled with long vowels and numerous dropped consonants.  “I reckon this escaped prisoner has got to give herself up, seeing as how you got me cornered.”  She stopped abruptly.  “Zeb!  Where’s your sheriff costume?”

Dixie wore a black-and-white striped costume dress, with COUNTY JAIL stenciled over her right chest pocket and INMATE 67801 over the left.  She wore a matching striped hat, and black high-heeled cowgirl boots.

Zeb, however, still wore his overalls.  “Dixie, you ain’t going to believe this, but…”

Dixie threw up her hands.  “Oh, no.  No, no, no!  We’re not going through this again this Halloween.  You’re not about to tell me you captured another girl you think is from outer space.”

“But, Dixie….”

“Let me guess,” Dixie interrupted.  “She’s a Martian with green skin and is here to take over the Earth!”

“No, Dixie, it ain’t nothing like that!”

“Whew, thank goodness,” Dixie muttered.  “In that case, shouldn’t you be fixing to get into your sheriff costume so you can escort me to the Halloween Ball?”

“She’s got blue skin!” Zeb announced.

“What?” Dixie shouted.

“She’s from Venus,” Zeb continued, “and even worse than that Martian girl I captured last year.”

“Zeb, that girl weren’t no Martian…”

“She was so from Mars!”

Dixie didn’t pause as Zeb interrupted her.  “…just someone with a really good costume.  And this girl ain’t no Venusian.”

“Yes, she is,” he said.  “I know cuz she said so!  What’s more, she’s right dangerous, planning on blowing up the Earth!”

“Why don’t you show me this alien?” Dixie sighed.

“Sure, I got her all tied up in the barn.  There’s plenty of bailing twine out there, and I had a couple old shirts, so I tore one into strips to use as a gag on her.  Come on and see!”

Just as Zeb had said, a young woman was lying on a pile of hay in the barn.  She was hogtied with bailing twine, and cleave-gagged with a strip of red-checked cloth.  Her skin was light blue and her hair dark blue.  She wore a green metallic bustier and a long, black skirt.  A silver crown lay near her head.  As soon as the door opened, she started speaking, trying to make herself understood.

“Zeb, you idiot!” Dixie shouted.  “This is exactly like last year.  It’s just some girl in a Halloween costume!”

“It ain’t no costume,” Zeb said stubbornly.  “I know, cuz she told me she was a princess of Venus and had malevolent intentions towards our Mother Earth.”

“Zeb, I’m fixing to untie her.”

“Well, Dixie, as I recollect, you said something like that last year when you saw the Martian girl, and you know how that turned out.”

“Well, this year you ain’t going to tie me up.”  Almost casually, Dixie grabbed a fistful of Zeb’s overalls and tossed him into the hay.  A second later, she had him lying face down, his arm twisted behind his back.

“By rights, Zeb, I ought to tie you up.  However, if you’ll give me your word not to interfere, I’ll let you go back into the house and you can finally change into that sheriff getup.”

Zeb was a bit slow answering, so Dixie twisted his arm a little more.  “Okay, I promise!”

Dixie let him up.  Zeb rubbed a wrist.  “I reckon you’ll figure things out and tie her up again real quick,” he said before he left.

“I’m sorry about this.”  Dixie unknotted the gag.  “I don’t know where Zeb got the idea you were a real Venusian princess, come here to take over the Earth, but….”

“Oh, but I am a princess of Venus,” she said with complete seriousness.  “Princess Kytheria, heir to the planet-wide throne.  However, that part about me wanting to take over the Earth is wrong.”

“This here’s a right good Halloween costume,” Dixie said, untying the twine, “but we both know you ain’t really from outer space.”

“But I am!” Kytheria said.  “Why won’t anyone believe me?  The only one who ever did is that Zeb guy, and he tied me up!”

“Well, you’re untied now.”  Dixie helped her stand up.

“I see you still don’t believe me.”  Kytheria settled the silver crown on her head.  “It’s true, though.  I should be back on Venus, only we had a revolution.  Now President Gorbon rules the planet.  Although how can he call himself President?  No one elected him!  He’s nothing but a vile usurper.  Oh, if only I could get back to Venus and put things right!”

“All right, calm down,” said Dixie.  “Look, I don’t know what’s really going on here, but I’ll try and help you.”

“I told you what’s going on.  I was supposed to be crowned Queen of Venus, but instead I’m hiding out on Earth, in fear that the Agents of Gorbon will track me down!”

Dixie shook her head.  “If there’s one thing I’m absolutely certain of, it’s that we ain’t going to encounter no Agents of Gorbon.”

Kytheria screamed in alarm as the barn door suddenly flew open.  In the moonlight stood two female figures, with blue skin and hair.  “There she is!” one of them shouted.

“Kytheria, come with us!” the other ordered, in a matronly, no-nonsense tone.

“Help me, Dixie!  The Agents of Gorbon have tracked me down!” Kytheria shrieked.

………………..
“Suppose y’all explain yourselves?” Dixie suggested.

One of them glanced down, waving an apologetic hand over her costume.  She too wore a bustier and a long skirt, but not a crown.  “I know this must look odd,” she said.  “My name’s Zohreh and this is my associate, Anahita.”

“And folks call me Dixie,” Dixie growled.  “Get to the point.”

“We’re doctors at the county psychiatric hospital,” Anahita explained.  “We were having a Venus themed Halloween party for the patients, but this naughty girl ran off in all the excitement.”

“No, Dixie, don’t listen to them!” Kytheria said.  “I’m telling you, they’re Agents of Gorbon.  They’re pure evil, and if they capture me, I’ll never get my throne back!”

“That’s enough, Princess,” Anahita snapped.  “Come along, and we’ll get you back to Venus.”

“Please, Dixie, do something!” Kytheria pleaded.

Dixie held up a hand.  “Where’d you say y’all were taking her again?”

“A silly slip of the tongue,” Anahita said smoothly.  “It’s because we have the county psychiatric hospital so well decorated that we started actually calling it Venus.”

“I see,” Dixie said in a voice that suggested she had her doubts.  “What’s the name of that hospital again?”

Anahita looked at Zohreh.  “It’s the county psychiatric hospital,” her partner finally said.

“Yeah, but it’s got a name,” said Dixie.  “What is it?”

“The county psychiatric hospital,” she repeated.

“Okay, we got ourselves three problems here,” Dixie said.  “First off, if a patient escaped, I don’t think a couple of doctors would come chasing after her.”

“Oh, is that what’s bothering you?” Zohreh asked.  “It’s very simple.  We know her so well that we thought we’d head out real quick and bring her back without a lot of fuss.”

“Which we could do,” Anahita pointed out, “if you’d stop interfering.”

“Second point,” Dixie continued, “is that in my experience, no doctor ever introduces themselves professionally by their first name.  It’s always Dr. So-and-so, and they’re usually pretty insistent you remember to use the Doctor part of that.”

“Surely there’s no need for such formality?” Anahita suggested.

“Third point,” said Dixie, “is that the county psychiatric hospital is called Buckthorn Manor, on account of we’ve got a whole lot of buckthorn trees growing in this vicinity.  Now, since y’all don’t even know that, I’d be obliged if y’all told me who y’all really are.”

“Right, I don’t know why we wasted our time on this pretense anyhow.”  Anahita pulled out a device that looked very like a laser blaster from a low-budget science fiction movie.

“Dixie, do something!”  Kytheria hid behind her.

“Very slick,” Dixie said, realizing Anahita had kept the weapon tucked in the waistband behind her back.  “So, y’all really are Agents of Gorbon, then?”

“That’s not what we prefer to be called, but yes.”  Anahita waggled the laser blaster.  “We’ve searched for Princess Kytheria for a very long time now, and we’re not about to let you stop us from taking her back to Venus.”

“To be a prisoner all her life?” Dixie asked.

“We don’t have to explain ourselves to you,” Zohreh sneered.

Dixie raised her hands and walked towards them.  “Now, everybody calm down.  Why don’t we have a nice long talk about this without anyone getting excited… gotcha!”

With lightning reflexes, she twisted the blaster from Anahita’s hand.  “Hands up!” she ordered.  “I’ve been shooting before I could walk, and while I never fired a laser before, I reckon the principle’s much the same.”

“Put that down!” Zohreh hissed.  “There’s more going on here than you realize.”

“I realize enough.”  Dixie kept the blaster trained on the pair.  “Kytheria, do you remember how you were tied up a few minutes ago?”

“Very vividly,” the princess agreed.

“Well, we’ve got plenty of bailing twine handy.  I want you to bind and gag these two just like that.”

“It would be my pleasure,” she said with a smile.

………………..
“Thank you for your help, Dixie,” Princess Kytheria said.  “With them out of the way, I should be able to reclaim my throne.  They were Gorbon’s second and third most dangerous agents!”

“Second and third?”  Dixie looked at the bound and gagged pair.  They were lying face down in the hay, hogtied.  Zohreh looked furious as she struggled in her bonds, while Anahita seemed to be trying to explain something to Dixie.  “I got the blaster off her pretty easy.”

“But they are dangerous” Kytheria insisted, “and pure evil!”

“Look, is all this for real?” Dixie asked.  “Are y’all play-acting?  This here blaster looks like something you’d pick up in the toy aisle.”

“It’s not a toy,” Kytheria said.  “It’s a powerful weapon.  It was very brave of you to snatch it from her hands.  I wouldn’t have dared!”

“Time to put an end to this charade,” Dixie thought to herself.  “It’ll be right interesting to see her reaction when I fire this gizmo and nothing happens.”  She turned to face the open barn door and aimed for a tree stump.  “Holy moley!” she exclaimed, seeing a green beam shoot out and obliterate the stump.  “This thing’s right dangerous!”

Kytheria said something, but Dixie’s mind was wandering.  She wondered if Zeb would come out to see what the commotion was all about, but a few seconds passed and she didn’t notice any activity in the house.  “I wonder what he’s up to in there?” she muttered.

“Yes, very dangerous,” Kytheria was saying, “but not as dangerous as the super laser canon I’ll fire at the Earth once I’m crowned Queen of Venus.”

“What super laser canon?” Dixie asked.  “I thought you said you weren’t planning on taking over the Earth.”

“Of course I’m not going to take over the Earth,” Kytheria said impatiently.  “I’m going to blow it to smithereens!”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“It’s a horrible, nasty planet, and the solar system will be better off without it,” Kytheria said.  “Besides, I’m a princess, so I can do it because I want to.  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone, especially not you!”

“Uh-oh.”  Dixie glanced down at Anahita, who looked sadly back up at her.  “I’m getting the feeling I may have supported the wrong side here.”

“What are you talking about?” Kytheria asked.  “You helped me overcome these two revolutionaries.  As the rightful ruler of Venus, I’ll finally be able to ascend my throne.  How could I possibly be the wrong side?”

“What’s wrong is you want to destroy my planet!” Dixie shouted.

“Oh, stop carrying on about that.  You make me tired.”

Dixie pointed the blaster at Kytheria.  “Put your hands up!” she ordered.  “I’m going to tie you up!”

Kytheria kept her hands at her side.  “You’re going to need both hands to do that.  How are you going to keep the blaster aimed at me?”

“I reckon I could use a little help, at that.”  Dixie moved the blaster, pointing it at Anahita.

“MPFFF!” the captive screamed in fright, wriggling in her bonds.

“Hold still!” Dixie ordered, firing.

The laser sliced neatly through the ropes binding Anahita’s ankles and wrists, continued just over the top of her blue air, and bored a small hole in the wall of the barn.  With a flick of her wrist, she fired again, this time freeing Zohreh.  Dixie turned to face Kytheria and waggled the blaster meaningfully.  With a loud sigh, Kytheria raised her hands.  “Y’all capable of tying up Her Majesty if I keep her covered?” Dixie asked

Zohreh looked at Anahita.  “Oh, yes!” they said together.

………………..
“I’m sorry for the mix-up,” Anahita told Dixie.  Kytheria was hogtied once again and gagged with the red checked strip torn from Zeb’s old work shirt.  “We should have explained things properly when we first came.”

“Well, I reckon it was a misunderstanding based on our different cultures.”  Dixie frowned.  Although Anahita was listening politely to her, Zohreh was peering intently at the captive princess.  “Tonight’s events twisted around more than a rattlesnake lost in a hedge maze, that’s for sure.”

Kytheria said something loudly, perhaps suggesting that as far as she was concerned they weren’t over, but only Zohreh seemed to be paying her much attention.

“We’ll get her back to Venus, where she can get the help she needs,” Anahita continued.  “Perhaps one day she’ll be fully cured and then she can sit on the throne where she belongs.”

“Good-bye, Princess Kytheria,” said Dixie.  “I hope you get over this obsession you have to destroy the Earth.  It may not look like much to you, but it’s our home and we like it here.”

The hateful glare Kytheria gave her was answer enough.  She would NEVER give up her plans to obliterate this horrible planet.

Zohreh jerked her head back and whispered into her partner’s ear.

“Everything okay?” Dixie asked.

Now it was Anahita’s turn to stare at the captive.  “Oh, no!” she groaned.  “Dixie, we’ve got some terrible news.  This isn’t Princess Kytheria.  This is actually Erycina, one of her body doubles!”

“What?” gasped Dixie.

“Her job is to impersonate the princess,” Zohreh explained.  “Down to every last detail, including her insane plans to destroy your world.  She did such a good job that we didn’t realize it wasn’t really her!”

“But, where’s the real princess?” Dixie asked, bewildered.

“I wish we knew!” Anahita groaned.  “We’ve got to find her!  Who knows what she got up to while we were distracted here?”

“Will you help us, Dixie?” Zohreh asked.

“Well, sure,” she agreed, “but I don’t have any idea where to look.  It’s not like the real princess is going to fall into our laps.”

The porch light flickered to life on Zeb’s front porch.  “You out here, Dixie?” he called out.

“Right here, Zeb,” she answered.

“Promise you won’t be mad.”  She could vaguely see him coming, carrying something heavy on one shoulder.  “But you were right careless, Dixie.  You let that Venusian princess escape from you.  I found her hiding down in my basement, so I tied her up!  Now, I know I promised I wouldn’t interfere with you, but….”

“Mpfff!” the figure on Zeb’s shoulder called out.  She was all blue and wore a crown identical to Erycina’s.  Zeb had her tied with bailing twine and gagged with a strip from a green checked shirt.

“I couldn’t stand by and let her run free, so….”  He stopped, suddenly noticing Zohreh, Anahita, and the bound and gagged Erycina.  “Dixie, look out!  There are a whole bunch more of them aliens out here!”

“Zeb!  You did it!” Dixie exclaimed.  She turned to Zohreh and Anahita.  “I mean, he did, didn’t he?  This really and truly is Princess Kytheria this time, right?”

After a moment of study, they both agreed this was the real Princess Kytheria.

“Thank you, Dixie and Zeb,” Anahita said.  “We’ve got a few preparations to make first, but then we’ll get the princess and her imposter onto our spaceship.”

Zeb scratched his head.  “Looks like I did something right, although I’m pretty confused what.”

“I’ll explain it later, Zeb.”  Dixie took the striped cap off her head and twirled it with one finger.  “Why don’t you get changed into that sheriff costume so you can escort this naughty prisoner… by which I mean me,” she hastily explained, referring the costume she wore.  Probably everyone knew what she meant, but there had been so much confusion that night, she felt it best to make herself clear.  “So you can escort me to the Halloween Ball.  Maybe if you’re really lucky we can even break out the handcuffs later!”

“Wowee!” Zeb exclaimed.  He dashed into the house, not needing a second invitation.

“Hmm,” Dixie mused.  “Turned out there was one more twist in tonight’s events, but finally it’s all over, with the good guys winning.”

………………..
“Mpfff!” Princess Kytheria protested, the real princess, not her body double.  The Agents still had her bound and gagged as they entered the space ship, although they quickly untied Erycina.

“Good job,” Zohreh praised her.

“Your excellent impersonation of the princess has everyone convinced she truly wants to blow up this miserable planet,” Anahita added.

“Just doing my job,” Erycina purred.  “After all, we want everyone to think she’s unfit to rule, so our glorious leader can remain president.”

“Mpfff!” Princess Kytheria said, promising she’d find some way to tell everyone the truth!

“No, I don’t think you will, Princess,” Zohreh sneered.  “Better get used to being gagged a lot, because it’ll be a very long time before you’re allowed to talk to anyone who isn’t in on our plans.”

“But, why did you come to this planet, Erycina?” Anahita asked.

“Because I knew the princess had fled here,” the imposter explained, “so I needed to be here as well.  I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything when you found me, but I feared the Earthling peasant girl might interfere.  She is surprisingly resourceful for such a primitive creature, but we don’t have to worry about her any longer.”

“Of course, we knew who you really were as soon as we heard you telling her about destroying this planet,” said Zohreh.  “But we played along, which is why I pretended to study your face before I announced who you really were.  I felt it best she learned you were an imposter, as she then could help us find the real princess.”

“Which we did.”  Anahita smiled triumphantly at the captive, who was still vainly struggling to free herself.  “Look at her!  Why, she actually thinks she can escape!”

“Not tied like that, she won’t,” Zohreh sneered.

Anahita sighed with satisfaction the completion of a job well done.  “Now we can return to Venus.  Are all preparations for departure complete?”

“We can leave in a minute,” Zohreh announced.

Princess Kytheria twisted helplessly in the ropes.  The Agents of Gorbon would be much more alert now.  They would never let her escape again.  She was to be kept a prisoner for the rest of her life, with the populace believing her insane.  A tear trickled down her cheek, as she realized she would never ascend the throne that was rightfully hers….

THE END?



















A streak of green light shot across the ship’s cabin, slicing through the ropes binding the captive princess.  “Trick or treat, ladies,” Dixie drawled, twirling the blaster in her hand.

“You idiots!”  Erycina turned in fury to Anahita and Zohreh.  “Why didn’t you get the blaster back from the peasant girl?”

“Shut up!” Anahita hissed back.  She worked a concerned smile onto her face.  “Dixie, what are you doing?  I thought we agreed we need to get this poor girl back to Venus to get the help she needs.”

“Right about now I reckon y’all’re realizing this Earthling peasant girl was listening in to every word,” said Dixie.  “You see, as y’all were dawdling getting over to y’alls’s ship, I had a few moments to think things over, and I realized I never heard the real princess say she had any plans against the Earth.”

“And I don’t!” Princess Kytheria agreed.  “It was all a wicked plot of theirs to discredit me so they could steal my throne!”

“Dixie, don’t listen to her!” Zohreh ordered.

Dixie waved the blaster.  “Y’all’ve seen how skilled I am at this using this thing.  Stand against the wall over there and don’t move.  Princess, you reckon you can tie them up if I keep them covered?”

The three conspirators looked furiously at Dixie, but no one dared do anything as Princess Kytheria bound and gagged them.  “Good job, Princess,” Dixie said, checking her work.  “I reckon they won’t be getting loose anytime soon.”

“Thank you for your help, Dixie,” she said.  “With Gorbon’s three most dangerous agents captured, I surely will be able to reclaim my throne from him.”

“I hope so,” Dixie said.

“Won’t you come to Venus with me?”

“Much as I’d like to, I’ll have to pass,” Dixie said.  “Zeb’s waiting for me.”

THE END!