The Last Rescue

Fife bounced off the ledge, dropping down to grab the bag of potato chips lying invitingly on the level below.  He ate the snack in an instant, for rescuing Princess Tiffany took a lot of energy!  A blue slime wobbled ahead; Fife rolled forward, squashing the almost harmless enemy in a swift motion.  The gelatinous creature reformed a couple seconds later, but Fife was long gone, busily crushing a few empty crates in his way.  Not that there was any reason to, but Fife was on the attack!  He jumped up in a perfect arc to sweep seven silver stars glittering overhead, priceless treasures needed to upgrade his abilities for the hard fight ahead.

Fife was not a knight in shining armor.  This redheaded hero was dressed as were all the peasants in the magical kingdom of Dragonia, in a green shirt and breeches, with brown boots.  Despite his lowly status, though, Fife was always the one to run to Princess Tiffany’s rescue when she required it, and she required it a lot, for Fife’s Quest was the thirteenth game in a series that stretched back to the early days of video games.

Josh twisted his controller, unleashing one combo attack after another as Fife fought the level boss, a battle android that originally had seven arms, although they were rapidly disappearing one by one, until the last clattered to the ground.  For reasons Josh never understood, once that happened the robot’s torso and legs then shattered into a pile of scrap metal, leaving him helpless to do anything until someone put him back together.  The fight was over.

Josh munched on some potato chips himself and sipped coffee (from an official Fife Game mug) as he visited the upgrade shop.  He had carefully gathered all the silver stars and copper moons, so he could max out Fife’s abilities.  A good thing too, for even with strength, dexterity, defense, luck, constitution, and endurance set to their upper limits, the final fight was always an iffy proposition.  And he had to succeed.  Fife had to rescue Princess Tiffany!

Josh lived in Cartera, California, the birthplace of Princess Tiffany, in a manner of speaking.  She had been created in this town; the factory where, years ago, cartridges of her early games had been manufactured stood empty; production had long moved overseas.

Josh thought Princess Tiffany was completely lovely.  She had long medium-blue hair with aqua highlights, and always wore the same orange dress, along with a silver tiara and silver slippers.  Josh’s cramped apartment was crammed with merchandise from the game, the coffee mug mentioned earlier, as well as mouse pads, coasters, refrigerator magnets, and too many other items to list.  He had unofficial gear as well, including a framed drawing of Princess Tiffany wearing a sexy harem girl outfit he had commissioned from an art website.  Not that Princess Tiffany ever wore a harem girl outfit in any of the games; Josh just liked harem girl outfits.

Fife entered a spacious cavern.  Princess Tiffany lay on an altar near the back, bound with ropes, and gagged with a white cloth.  An enormous ax hung directly over her, swinging back and forth, slightly lower each time!

She was not unguarded, of course; a huge dragon roared with fury when he saw Fife!  This was the same final boss from in the very first game, Fife’s Victory.  Perhaps the game makers had thought he had worked so well they could use him again.  His body was currently a vivid shade of red, so Josh knew a fireball was coming.  He mashed a button in perfect timing, sending Fife into a high jump to avoid the attack.

Fife raced forward.  It might have seemed suicidal folly to tackle a mammoth dragon with only a knife in one hand and a flickering torch in the other, but Fife could not abandon Princess Tiffany to her fate!  The dragon turned green; a cloud of poisonous gas spurted from his jaws.  Fife hugged the ground, letting the deadly fumes pass over him.

Josh’s fingers were flying as he moved Fife in.  The dragon was a dismal gray now; that meant a confusion attack.  Fife would be impossible to control unless Josh pressed a precise sequence of buttons.  He did, of course, followed by an attack on the dragon’s scaly hide with the small knife.  The attack did no noticeable damage, but Josh knew each time the knife sliced one of the creature’s vulnerable spots the dragon was weakened; ten such attacks was all it took.  The dragon flashed blue; ice tumbled from his lips onto Fife, who waved his torch in response.  Perhaps it was not realistic to expect a tiny torch to melt a massive chunk of ice, but that was the way the game was designed, so that’s what Josh had the hero do.

The attacks continued, both by the dragon and by Josh.  Princess Tiffany screamed in fright.  The ax was very low now!  Fife had to hurry!

Fife swung his dagger, the tenth successful attack.  With a roar of despair, the dragon shuddered and fell to the ground, not dead, for a dragon is not so easily destroyed as that, but out of action until another game.  Fife bounded forward.  He cut the ropes binding Princess Tiffany and swept her from the altar.  Just in time, too!  The ax created sparks as it sliced across the altar top, where the Princess had lain seconds before!

Josh sighed as Fife and Princess Tiffany locked in a tight embrace.  He enjoyed the rescue more than he knew how to express.

As nice as that was, though, it was still merely make believe.

………………..
“Give a hand to a damsel in distress?”

Josh dropped his bulging reusable shopping bags on the second-floor landing.  He had been extremely annoyed to see the OUT OF ORDER sign on the elevator.  Climbing five flights of stairs while carrying his groceries was not his idea of fun, especially as he was not used to getting much exercise.  “Sure, what’s the problem?” he asked, unconsciously sucking in his gut.

Maureen, he suddenly remembered, that was her name.  She had moved into the building a couple weeks earlier.  She was quite unlike Princess Tiffany, he thought, with shortish hair, brown with hints of red.  She definitely did not seem the sort to wear elaborate gowns as Tiffany always did, although looking at her now, he felt she fit admirably into her angora sweater and designer jeans.

“I saw this in the second-hand furniture store.”  Maureen rapped to the bookcase blocking Josh’s way.  “I thought it would look great in my place holding my CDs and DVDs and photo frames and vases and other knickknacks and maybe even a few books!  So, after a bit of haggling I got the price down into my budget and took it home.  Only I’m having some trouble getting it inside.  You look like a muscular guy who could do the job, no problem!”

She flashed him a smile that made Josh forget to ask how she could have any problem sliding a bookcase through a door that she had managed to carry up two flights of stairs.  Instead, he tried to make himself feel as muscular as Maureen seemed to think he was and grunted as he wrestled the bookcase into her apartment.

“Hmm.”  Maureen brought Josh’s shopping bags in with her and studied him briefly, frowning at his t-shirt, which displayed Princess Tiffany and the logo RESCUE THE PRINCESS!  “I think the bookcase would go well against that wall, Josh.  Could you move those chairs out of the way?”

Josh obligingly moved the chairs and shoved the bookcase against the wall.  “How’s that?”

Maureen shook her head, swirling her careless curls.  “No, I don’t think so.  We’ll have to move that table and put it there instead.”

By “we”, Maureen meant “Josh” of course, so he got busy and moved the furniture around again.  That wasn’t right either, Maureen decided, so it took several more attempts before she was finally satisfied.

“Perfect!” she exclaimed as Josh sank into a chair.  Part of him wanted to gather his bags and head upstairs, back to Princess Tiffany, but he felt reluctant to leave Maureen.  Besides, he simply didn’t have the energy.  He revived a moment later, though, when Maureen appeared with a glass of orange juice and a plate of English muffins slathered in blackberry jam, all borrowed from his shopping bags.  “I piled the jam on rather a lot,” she admitted, “so be careful.”

“It’s delicious,” Josh said politely, taking a big bite.

“Oh, no!”  Maureen tapped Josh’s chest.  “Josh, you got jam on your shirt!”

Josh’s face flushed bright red.  How was he supposed to impress Maureen when he was acting so clumsy, spilling his food all over himself like some Neanderthal?  He glanced down and saw to his horror a small purple stain right over Princess Tiffany’s face.

Maureen licked the dab of jam off the tip of her finger.  “We’d better tend to that before it sets.”

“No, really, it’s okay,” Josh tried to insist, but Maureen had the shirt off him in an instant.  “Wow, Josh, you sure look fit,” she remarked.  “You must go to the gym and work out all the time!”

“Well, I try,” Josh said, privately resolving to start doing so.

“I don’t know about this stain, but I’ll try to get your shirt clean and get it back to you.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Josh said.  “I’ve plenty more like it.”

“I see,” Maureen replied, not sounding particularly pleased.

Josh spent a little longer in Maureen’s apartment before he finally returned to his own.  In the days that followed, he kept his resolution to go to the gym, slowly building up his strength and endurance.  It was well that he did, for the elevator had a peculiar tendency to be out of order whenever he returned home, so he became well acquainted with the stairs, often stopping at Maureen’s apartment on his way up.  He got so used to going in there that he kept doing so, even when the elevator was in working order.  His enthusiasm for these visits increased when Maureen, learning of his love for harem girl outfits, greeted him one day wearing a sparkly, purple, genie ensemble, holding an oil lamp in one hand.

“Rub this and I’ll make your wishes come true,” she’d promised him.

Josh started spending so much time with Maureen that he often went days without playing his games, so much so that if Princess Tiffany had been a real person, rather than a character in a video game, she most certainly would have felt much neglected by her former admirer.

………………..
The thunderstorm rumbled into existence with remarkable swiftness, blue skies replaced by grim greyness that flashed lightning and roared angry thunder with booms and bangs.  A bolt struck a transformer near the old video game factory, leading to some very strange events.

The old mainframe stirred, sleepily coming to life after sitting inactive so many years.  It clicked and whirled, and started doing something against its original programming, altered by the freak storm.

In an empty space between some wooden crates an orange blob, topped with blue appeared.  It slowly solidified, until it took on the form of Princess Tiffany.  If flickered a couple times as the Princess looked around.

“So, this is the real world,” she said, sounding unimpressed.  “Dragonia is much prettier.”

She was a creation of electronics, and, as electronic devices control practically everything in our world, she understood her surroundings remarkably well.  Among other things, she knew Josh had once been her more ardent rescuer, until Maureen had lured him away.

“Dear, sweet Josh,” she said.  “I really should do something about him and her.”

“SURRENDER, PRINCESS!” the seven-armed android said in its metallic voice as it advanced towards her.  The mainframe had created her old enemy as well!

“Oh, stop that,” she said irritably, snatching a coil of rope the robot was trying to wind around her torso.  “Hmm, this gives me an idea….”

………………..
“I’ve got a surprise for you, Maureen,” said Josh.  “A present!”

“Aw, how sweet, Josh,” said Maureen, carefully opening wrapping paper that had been carelessly taped together.  “It’s not even my birthday.  How nice… a blue wig?  Why, Josh, don’t you like brunettes?”

“I thought…” Josh tried to explain.

“And a silver crown… and a little orange dress, a really, really short dress… wait a minute!  This isn’t a present for me; it’s a present for you!”

Josh gulped.  “No, Maureen, I…”

“You want me to be a skanky version of that stupid video game princess you’re so obsessed about.  Well, it won’t happen!”  Maureen threw the wig, crown, and minidress at Josh, along with a few blistering words.

A few minutes later Josh stumbled out of her apartment.  He looked longingly at the door that had slammed shut in his face.  He thought about knocking, but….

“I went to a lot of trouble to get her this great present and if she can’t appreciate it then maybe… maybe I’d better go upstairs and cool down a bit.”

He frowned, turning suddenly.  He thought he’d heard an odd clinking and seen a glint of metal moving, off in the corner of his eye.  “Who’s there?” he called out.

There was no answer.  “One of the neighbors bringing something in, I guess,” he told himself, although there had been no sound of a door opening or closing.  He shrugged his shoulders and wandered lonely up to his apartment.

Josh smiled up from his computer at Maureen, or, more accurately, the photograph of her that adorned his wall, right where the picture of Princess Tiffany as a harem girl used to hang.  “If you ever want to look at a girl who was that whole Arabian Desert beauty thing going, you can look at me,” she had told him.

Josh twiddled his mouse over his mouse pad, not the one that displayed Princess Tiffany, but one with the logo of Josh’s favorite football team.  It had been a present from Maureen, who had decided now that he had a nice new mouse pad the old one could be thrown away.  In fact, almost everything featuring the Crown Princess of Dragonia had been replaced, he realized.  “Maureen really doesn’t like Tiffany,” he said to no one.  “I wonder what Tiffany thinks of her?”

He smiled at his silly thought of a fictional character having feelings about a real person as a ping notified him of an incoming video call on his computer.  “Maybe it’s Maureen calling to apologize!”  He immediately realized it couldn’t be, of course.  “I’m the one who’ll have to apologize, but why should I?  I didn’t do anything wrong!”

A new window opened on his computer.  “Hello, Josh,” Princess Tiffany greeted him, flashing her perfect smile.

“Um… who is this?” Josh asked.

“You can’t be serious Josh,” she said with a musical laugh.  “After all those times you rescued me you don’t know who I am?  I’m Princess Tiffany, of course!”

“No, really, who is this?” Josh insisted.

Tiffany’s lips curled downward.  “Josh, it’s really me, or a projection of me, anyhow, made into your world.  I can only stay here a short time, but I’ve some important business to tend to before I leave.”

“That isn’t possible,” Josh decided.  “Whatever joke you’re playing…”

“It isn’t a joke,” Tiffany interrupted.  “I’m in deadly earnest, as you shall see.  Let me show you something.”

The scene shifted away from the Princess, sweeping over the old video game factory to show a stack of empty crates.  “Oops, wrong way,” she said with a giggle.  “Hold on a sec, Josh.”

The camera swept back and Josh gave a horrified shout.  He could see Maureen lying on an altar, just like the one at the end of Fife’s Quest!  Coils of ropes restrained her, in precisely the same way he remembered them restraining Princess Tiffany.

“Say hello to your precious boyfriend, Maureen,” Tiffany invited.

“MPFFF!” Maureen screamed into the cloth gagging her.

The scene shifted to show the enormous ax swinging over Maureen!  It lowered ever so slightly….

“So you see,” Tiffany began.  “Oh!  Josh, where’d you go?  Gone already?  Off to the rescue without wasting a second!  Just like the dashing hero I know you are.”

She stood up and, ignoring Maureen’s angry cries, traipsed over to the seven-armed battle android.  “Get ready,” she told it.  “We’re having a visitor shortly.  You know what to do!”

………………..
“Princess Tiffany!  Let me in!”

“Hello, Josh,” the Princess greeted coolly.  Josh had thrown on his green jacket and driven to the abandoned factory as fast as he could, ignoring every red light and stop sign on the way.  He was inside, but a chain-link fence, stretching from wall to wall and rising up to the ceiling high above, barred his way.  He could see Maureen lying ahead, the ax swinging alarmingly low.  He had to reach her!

“Why are you doing this?” he demanded.  “This isn’t like you, Tiffany!”

“How do you know what’s like me?” she countered.  “All anyone knows of me comes from the brief scenes at the beginning and ending of my games.  You’ve no idea what I get up to in Dragonia.  I mean, I may levy backbreaking taxes on my subjects and fill the dungeons with political dissidents, or chop off the heads of people I just plain don’t like.  Not that I do,” she explained hastily.  “I’m just saying this image you have of me might not be who I truly am.”

“Let me in!” Josh repeated, shaking the gate, secured with an electronic lock.

“Yes, I will, in a moment,” Tiffany replied.  “First, though, you need to be a proper rescuer.  You see the boots on the floor?  Take off your sneakers and put them on for me, please.”

“I don’t have time for this!” Josh shouted.

“Speaking of time,” Tiffany said, “you haven’t much left, and you’re wasting the precious little you have in an argument with me that you can’t win.  Put those boots on, now!”

Josh threw off his shoes and jammed his feet into the boots, which fit him perfectly.

“Very good, Josh,” Tiffany approved.  “Now, take the knife you see lying on that crate and retrieve the torch burning on the wall.”

In other circumstances Josh might have said he didn’t need a torch, since it was light enough in the old factory, but having learned not to argue, he picked up the knife with one hand and the torch with the other.  “Can I come in now?”

“Mmm, don’t you look the perfect hero,” Tiffany said in admiration.  “You remind me so much of Fife… oh, sorry, Josh, yes, you may come in.”

Josh heard the lock click and he swung the gate open.  A blue slime bobbled forward; Josh remembered how to handle this opponent!  Keeping a tight hold on his knife and torch, he rolled forward, just like Fife, squashing the monster flat.

“Ugh!” he said, straightening up again.  “Don’t worry, Maureen, I’m coming!”

The captive damsel tried to call out encouragement as Josh ran forward, running around a stack of crates, rather than jumping on them as Fife would do.  He noted with surprise a grab bag of potato chips lying on one

“A snack to give you some energy, Josh,” Tiffany explained.

Josh didn’t stop for the potato chips, although without meaning to, he did glance upwards.

“No stars or moons for you, Josh,” Tiffany told him.  “No upgrades.  You’ll have to fight with your own abilities, such as they are.”

Josh kept running.  He was close to Maureen now… but so was the blade of the ax!

“Mpfff!” Maureen screamed out in warning.

“RETREAT OR BE DESTROYED, INTRUDER!” the battle android announced, moving from behind a crate to block Josh’s path.  “ALL INSTANCES OF UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY WILL BE RESPONDED TO WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE.”  A metal arm holding a hammer smashed down, just where Josh’s head had been less than a second ago.

“It’s a good thing I know his moves,” Josh thought, swaying sideways to avoid another arm that carried a steel pipe.

The secret to defeating the android, Josh knew, was to slice the knife at a joint connecting an arm to the body, which would cause it to fall off.  At least, that’s how it worked in the game.  Would it work here?

“CEASE THIS FUTILE RESISTANCE AND ACCEPT YOUR INEVITABLE DEMISE!” the android ordered.

Josh moved to avoid another arm that waved a short sword.  It was a lot different, he decided, fighting in person than mashing buttons on a controller!  Seven arms came at him with seven different weapons.  He was being backed up without getting one attack in against the machine!

An arm ending in a hook flung forward, missing Josh but landing on one of the crates.  The android struggled to pull it out again.  This was Josh’s chance!  A quick flick of the knife, and the arm fell from the android.

“YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE!”  The android backed up the promise by swinging a spinning buzz saw.  Josh’s knife struck home once again, leaving the android with five arms.

“DO NOT IMAGINE YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE BY YOUR ACTION, INTRUDER, FOR THERE ARE MANY MORE WEAPONS AT MY DISPOSAL!”

Josh wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, thankful he had followed through on his promise to work out at the gym.  “Otherwise, I wouldn’t have lasted this long,” he realized, relieving the android of another arm.  Josh had always wondered why, in the game, Fife hadn’t taken the android’s impressive sword, but, as Josh saw it laying on the floor, he realized it was welded to the robot’s hand.  It would be impossibly unwieldy to use.  Just as well, he thought, for the moves he knew were all designed for the knife he carried.

“CEASE YOUR AGGRESSION AND I SHALL MAKE YOUR DEMISE SHORT AND PAINLESS,” the android offered, attacking with a mace.

Josh countered with a quick stroke, and that arm fell off as well.

“THAT IS THE LAST SUCCESS YOU SHALL HAVE AGAINST ME!” the android predicated incorrectly, for, with less attacks available to him, he was presenting Josh with much less difficulty.  Josh moved forward, successful again.

The sixth arm followed, and then the seventh.  Josh had never understood the reasoning why in the game this caused the rest of the android to fall apart, but he was grateful to see it happen now.

“That’s the end of him!” he shouted in relief.  He looked up in alarm.  The ax swung, dangerously low!

“Don’t worry, Maureen, I got rid of the enemy and now I’ll save you!”  There remained maybe one hundred feet or so between him and his girlfriend; he would cover that in a few seconds and have her free!

………………..
“Oh, Josh, you have done wonderfully!” Princess Tiffany praised, the delight in his success ringing clear in her voice, although her tone abruptly changed as she qualified her words.

“So far!”

A deafening roar shook the entire building, a mountain of crates nearby seemed to explode as the dragon burst forth from behind, leaping to bar Josh’s way.  Josh slipped to floor, desperately clutching the torch and small knife.  He stared in disbelief at the game’s final boss, the dragon, his skin an icy blue.

Josh’s response was automatic; he extended the arm carrying the torch just in time to fizzle the avalanche of frost crystals that spewed from the monster’s mouth.

“Mpfff!” Maureen screamed in fright as Josh rolled aside, narrowly avoiding a swipe from the creature’s paw.  The only defense against its physical attacks was to dodge.

“I’m afraid your victory celebration was just a teeny bit premature, Josh,” Tiffany said.  “As Tolkien observed, it never does to leave a dragon out of your calculations!  Now you know why I insisted you take the torch with you!  I really have your best interests at heart!”

“I find that hard to believe,” Josh gasped, jumping straight up into the air as the dragon, now bright red, breathed out a fireball.

“Someday you’ll understand,” Tiffany replied as Josh dodged another blow from the dragon.  “Oh, look, what a pretty shade of green!  You know what to do, right Josh?”

Josh did indeed, flattening himself down as the cloud of noxious fog passed over him.  He bounded up again, barely in time to avoid the following physical attack.

“Mmm, but you sure do have some nice moves, Josh,” the Princess praised.  “It would be a treat to step out onto the dance floor with you!  The way you’d twirl your partner about, sheer heaven, I expect!  However, as well as you’re doing, I have a concern with your performance so far.”

“What is it?” gasped Josh, jumping to avoid another fireball.  The dragon had turned red with startling abruptness.

“You’re strictly on the defensive, dear Josh,” she explained.  “While I’m sure you could last a very long time following that particular strategy, a quick peek will show you that the ax is getting really close to Maureen, so you might want to think about getting a little less cautious and try mixing offense into your repertoire.  Just a helpful piece of advice.”

The ax blade truly was close to Maureen!  Josh had to attack!  Another cloud of poison passed over his body; he twisted to avoid the dragon’s claw and swished with his knife, the blade seemingly passing harmlessly as it scratched the creature’s tough neck.  Still, Josh recalled, ten hits destroyed the creature in the game.  But… did he have time to strike nine more times before it would be too late for Maureen?

The dragon turned yellow.  That meant a lightning attack!  Josh dropped the knife; according to the logic of the game, without the metal, the attack could not harm him, although, of course, he could not attack then, either.  The bolt crackled as it surrounded him, passing quickly.  He swiftly retrieved the knife, attacking again.

Eight more to go.  His heart sank.  One attack at a time… that was much too slow, yet he couldn’t get them in any faster!  What could he do?

“You’ll have to act faster, Josh,” Tiffany shouted.

He jumped to avoid another fireball and spun in, attacking once and responding quickly for another, only to miss with the second by a hair.  There were seven attacks left... and not nearly enough time for them!

“I have to do something!” he gasped.

The dragon turned gray.  When playing the game, Josh would enter the code quickly to nullify the confusion attack.  But… what was he supposed to do here?

“Better act fast, Josh!” the Princess called out.

Josh was enveloped in a gray fog.  His mind seemed to go numb, but, he realized, in real life this attack was not working as well against him as it did in the game against Fife.  This was his chance!  Hardly aware of his actions, he swung the knife against the hated beast, slashing once, twice, thrice.  Four attacks to go!

“Mpfff!” Maureen screamed, reminding him of her desperate plight.

Josh longed to lunge in with the knife one again, but the creature had turned yellow.  He had no choice but to show patience, dropping his weapon and waiting, before taking it up once again and striking.  He tried to be quick, but it seemed only the dragon’s gray attack allowed him to counter multiple times.  To his frustration, he only hit once.

Three attacks to go… but he could see the ax swinging its wide arc.  It skimmed just over Maureen’s stomach.  Surely, the next swing would….

“Josh!  You are not paying attention to the fight!” Tiffany scolded.

Josh turned to face the dragon.  The yellow faded.  Which color would it turn next?  How could he last three more changes?  He couldn’t, of course.  Less than a second passed, but it seemed an eternity to Josh.  He almost shouted with relief, seeing the only thing happen that gave him a chance.  It had turned gray!  He reached out with the knife instinctively, slashing, hoping desperately as he struck again and again and yet again.

With a mighty roar, the dragon tumbled to the ground.  Josh raced around him, heading for Maureen, as the ax swung downwards.  His lungs were bursting.  He had to reach her before the ax did!

The ax continued its downward journey.  Josh realized with dread that he was not going to reach Maureen in time.  The ax reached the lowest point in that swing… and then moved upwards again.  There was still one more arc left after all, Josh realized, before it would harm Maureen.  An instant later, he was at her side, cutting the ropes that bound her, and sweeping her into his aching arms.

The ax returned, and, just like in the game, it grated horribly against the top of the altar, a stark reminder of what would have happened to Maureen if Josh had been just that littlest bit slower.

He held her tight for a very long time.

………………..
“You, Princess, you’ve got a ton of explaining to do,” Maureen said, quite some time later.

“What’s there to explain?” Tiffany said carelessly, and then, “Ouch!  You’re hurting my arm!”

“We’re having a little talk, just the two of us.”  Maureen half-dragged the princess behind a stack of crates.  “Okay, what was this all about?” she asked in a loud whisper.

“Well,” said Tiffany, “many people have played my games but I don’t believe anyone more often than dear Josh…”

“You can stop calling him ‘dear Josh’,” Maureen suggested.

“I came to understand how much he enjoyed rescuing me, and then he met you, and, do you know, Maureen, I actually thought you were very good for him?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you did,” Maureen said.  “That’s why you had that android tie me up and carry me off here, placing me in danger!”

“Yes, that’s exactly right,” said Tiffany pleasantly, seemingly missing the sarcasm.  “As much as Josh enjoyed rescuing me, it wasn’t real.  That was my present to him, creating a situation where he could rescue a real damsel in distress, not a two-dimensional character he didn’t really even know, but someone he genuinely cared about, and that was you!”

“But I was in real danger there!”

“Well, of course you were in real danger,” Tiffany agreed.  “You had to be, or else it wouldn’t have been a real rescue!”  Her body faded slightly, before returning to normal.

“What’s happening with you?” asked Maureen.

“Sorry,” Tiffany apologized, as she flickered once again, “I haven’t much longer in this world.  It’s just as well.  Fife must be missing me terribly, and I get the idea you’ll be happier without me around.”

“But…”

“If it’s any comfort,” said Tiffany, “I had complete confidence that Josh would rescue you.  I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.  Perhaps it’s just clever semantics, but since there was no doubt as to the outcome, you could say you weren’t in any danger after all.”  She flickered out again, and this time it was several seconds before she slowly reappeared, in poor resolution.  “At least, that’s how I viewed it.”

“Um, Maureen, are you okay?” asked Josh, stepping cautiously around the crates a minute later.

“Yes, Josh, I’m fine,” said Maureen, taking his hand.  “Princess Tiffany is gone, Josh, back to where she came from.  You’ll see her again, though, whenever you like, whenever you play one of those games.”

“Well, yes, only, I’m not playing them much these days,” said Josh, giving her a kiss.  “I’ve a lot better to do with my time now.”