literature

Science Friction

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Literature Text

According to Albert Einstein, “When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”

The quotation came to Professor Henry Barnes due its being quite appropriate to his current situation - and he was most definitely not sitting on a hot stove, but rather, in his comfortable armchair behind his broad desk in his snug office, numerous diplomas and awards adorning the wall behind him.

No, the aptness of the quotation was due to the presence of the pretty girl who had just walked in, absently twirling a few strands of her curly, auburn hair with her slender fingers, as if she did not quite know how to begin what she had to say.  She was decidedly very pretty, reflected the Professor as he studied her appreciatively:  a smooth, oval face lightly spotted with freckles; large, eager, blue eyes; a small, pert nose; and a heart-shaped mouth.  She was of medium height with a figure that curved like a sine wave, and wore an East Metro College sweatshirt - cornflower blue embossed with EMC in reddish-orange lettering (those being the school colors) - along with a pair of green blue jeans and yellow sneakers.

“Hello, there,” he finally managed after a minute that seemed like both an instant and an eternity.

“Hey, you’re Prof Barnes, of physics, right?”

“Why, yes,” he agreed, extending a hand in greeting.  “And you are…?”

“Amber Amphora.”  She shook his hand.  “Like, there’s something I want to talk about with you, if you have a free minute, maybe?”

“Of course, I have plenty of time right now,” he agreed.  He wanted to add that he would be happy to do so over dinner, but the last time he had taken out a coed his wife had responded by dropping his bowling ball on his foot.  Ever since, he had walked (and for the first few days, limped) the straight and narrow path.  However, his darling Marla would have to understand (and here he sighed as he glanced over at the large, framed photograph of her on his desk) that if a student came in his office to discuss academics, well, he simply had to oblige.  It was part of his duties as a professor, after all!

“Amber Amphora, did you say your name was?  Ah, what lovely alliteration!”

“Assonance, actually,” she corrected him.

“Yes, of course, I never can keep those terms straight.  So, Ms. Amphora - or may I call you Amber?”  He recalled a recent memo from Department Chairman, Professor Dalton, reminding faculty not to address students by their first names without permission.

“Sure, Amber’s fine,” she agreed pleasantly.

“Well, Amber, I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before.  Are you a science student here at East Metro?”

“Nah, I’m majoring in philology,” she replied.  “But, like, my roommate at the dorm is.  She’s taken a lot of your classes and talks all the time about something called Unified Field Theory that you physicists are trying to figure out.  That’s pretty important, right?”

“Indeed it is!” exclaimed the Professor, reluctantly releasing her hand, feeling he had held it as long as decorum allowed.  He gave an apologetic look at the lovely Marla’s image before continuing.  “Why, the person who discovers that would most certainly win the Nobel Prize!”

“Yeah, the Nobel Prize,” she agreed.  “How many of those have you won, Professor?”

“Quite a few,” he confessed proudly, waving an arm to indicate several large trophies cluttering a small bookshelf.

“Wow, you’re such a famous scientist,” she enthused, going over to admire them.

“I’m afraid Unified Field Theory is quite an advanced concept in theoretical physics and that a full explanation of the matter is more than we can get into right now.  However, I have a basic introduction for the nonscientist, if you are interested in hearing it.”

“No, you don’t have to… hey!  Wait a minute!  What do you think you’re trying to pull?” she demanded angrily.

“What?” he asked innocently.

“These aren’t Nobel Prize trophies; they’re bowling trophies!”

“Oh, well, I have to keep all my Nobel Prize medallions at home, so students won’t steal them.  But getting back to Unified Field Theory…”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m here about,” the coed interrupted him, flopping into a chair in front of his desk.  “My roommate kept going on about, like, what a great discovery it would be, so I got curious and read some of her textbooks and did a little research online, and, um…”

“Yes?” he encouraged her.

“Well, believe it or not, I figured the whole thing all out!”

“Oh, did you?” he asked, doing his best to keep a straight face.

“Yeah, and, like, I don’t see what the big deal is, even.  It seems pretty obvious to me.  Would you like to hear it?”

Professor Barnes leaned back in his chair.  “I would be delighted.”

Amber Amphora proceeded to explain her Unified Field Theory while Professor Henry Barnes listened in open-mouthed astonishment, unable to find one single flaw in her explanation, which, though of great interest to him, would make for a long and tedious study by the readers of this narrative, and so will not be repeated here.

“What do you think?” she asked breathlessly when she finally concluded.

“Of course,” he murmured to himself.  “How obvious, now that she’s said it!  I wonder that no one ever thought to examine that particular angle before!”

“So, does that mean I’m right?  Am I going to win the Noble Prize now?”

“What?” he asked, looking up sharply.  “Well, now, you have some interesting ideas, but they all have to be thoroughly examined.  What sounds good initially may not stand up to rigid experimentation and, um, so forth.  Say, have you told anyone else about this?”

“No, Professor.  Once I felt I had it all figured out, I came straight here.  You know, to run it past you, so you could tell me if I made, like, mistakes anywhere, and to help me get my results published.”

“Yes, of course,” he agreed, slowly standing up from behind his desk as he considered his options carefully.  He smiled at Marla’s photograph.  She now seemed to be giving him her best Lady Macbeth look.

“You’re not going to let this golden opportunity slip away, are you?” he imagined her demanding.

“Of course not,” he assured her.  Regrettably, this was not how he would have preferred it, but he was finally going to show his wife he could accomplish something significant!  He turned to the waiting student and cleared his throat.  “I’m very glad you decided to confide in me, Ms. Amphora.  Could join me in the physics lab for a few minutes?”

___
“Heh,” laughed Professor Barnes quietly.  He paced agitatedly inside one of the sterile, white testing chambers within the physics lab.  Realizing there was no reason to keep quiet (there being no one around to hear him except Amber Amphora, and she didn’t matter), he threw back his head and gave vent to a loud, “Muhahahahahaha!”

“Mpfff,” replied Amber.  She stood, tied with clothesline to a tall, rectangular, wooden block that was set between two others, all locked into large gray vises bolted onto the floor.  The white, thin rope bound her wrists together behind the post.  The cuffs of her green blue jeans were rolled up, more of the clothesline circling her thin, chartreuse socks, tying her ankles together and against the wooden block.  Two coils secured her knees, while the remainder of the rope looped repeatedly around her stomach, running inside her arms and around the block.

“Mpfff!”  Her mouth was full of cloth, while a blue bandana running between her lips and tied behind her head completed her gag.  She could only make indistinct noises and give the Professor very appealing looks, clearly meant to be pleas that he release her as she tried turning her wrists and pulling on her hands to slip loose of her bonds.  “Mpfff!”

“Muhahahahahaha!” laughed Professor Barnes once again.  Getting the trusting coed into this position had been no trouble whatsoever.  He had indicated to her that she was to inhale from a metal canister and the foolish girl had complied with no objections, immediately losing consciousness.  He had trussed her up before she regained her senses.  The materials, including the knockout gas, had been carefully stored in the lab, just in case he ever needed to steal a student’s good idea.

“Although I always thought it would be one of my more promising grad students, not some English major who somehow stumbled across something so significant,” he grumbled to Amber.  “I mean, I’m still not clear how you managed to figure all that out, but I suppose it doesn’t matter; what matters is that the world will soon recognize me for the genius that I am!”

“Mpfff!” protested Amber angrily.  She had worked hard on that theory; it wasn’t fair of the professor to steal it away from her!

“Ah, lovely Marla,” sighed the Professor, opening his wallet to stare at a small photo of his wife.  “How wonderful it will be when the two of us travel to Stockholm so I can accept my Nobel Prize!  You’ll finally be proud of me then; just wait and see!”

“Mpfff,” said Amber, looking strangely at the Professor.

Henry Barnes flushed and clumsily replaced his wallet in his jacket pocket.  “I’m sorry, Ms. Amphora, but I cannot have you around to dispute my claim that I discovered this theory.  No, I must remove you.  And so, allow me to demonstrate to you the purpose of this strange device we have developed here.”

He gestured to a large electronic gadget mounted on the floor next to him that looked to Amber like a laser gun out of some old science-fiction movie.

“This is my disintegration ray!” he announced proudly.  “Yes, it’ll blast you into nothingness!”  He paused, and looked sadly at her as she replied with her best pleading look yet.  “Oh, but that would be a shame.  I’ll tell you what; if you promise to admit that I discovered this theory, then I’ll let you go free.  Is it a deal?”

“Mpfff!” agreed Amber, nodding her head as she continued to work on her wrists.  If she could keep him talking long enough she was sure she could work herself free!

“Oh, but maybe I’d better not,” announced the Professor suddenly.  “After all, you might go back on your word later on, and then Marla would be most cross with me for having let you go.  Marla’s my wife, you know, and she always has all my best interests at heart.”  He stretched an arm and, as Amber gave a muffled scream, fired the weapon.  It made an unpleasant electronic hum, emitting a vivid red beam, beginning with a point and ending in a wide ellipse, almost six feet in height and two feet in width.  It bathed the wooden block on Amber’s right with its angry red light, creating a loud explosion that left behind a small pile of splinters and sawdust on the floor.

“Hmm,” mused the Professor, studying the machine as the beam disappeared.  “I see I need to make a few minor adjustments… ah!  Here we go!”

“Mpfff!”  The weapon fired once again, reducing the pillar on Amber’s left to sawdust.

“Just right!” enthused the Professor, noting the results with satisfaction.  “Well, now it’s your turn, Amber.  Any last words?”

“MPFFF!” she screamed in desperation, struggling wildly now, but there was no escape!  The Professor moved a trembling finger to press down once again the blinking button that served as his weapon’s firing mechanism….

___
“Muhahahahaha!” laughed Henry Barnes, suddenly pausing in the act; it was all so perfect; he just had to savor the moment!

“Henry!”

“Marla!” gasped the Professor, spinning around.

“Mpfff,” said Amber, going weak with relief.

A matronly woman wearing a long, blue dress embroidered with yellow sunflowers strode into the testing room, rolling up her wet umbrella.  Amber gave her a pleading look, but received such a poisonous glare in return that the coed immediately abandoned that tactic, getting busy once again trying to free her wrists.

“Marla, honey, I’m so glad you’re here!” enthused Henry, flinging back an arm, groping blindly for the firing button while he gave his attention to his wife.  “I have the most wonderful news.  You see…”

“I see it’s a good thing I decided to come by to check up on you,” she interrupted him, waving her umbrella.  “Here you are with some girl all tied up.  Well, that’s wrong!  What do you think you’re doing, playing bondage games with her?  I’m the only girl you’re ever allowed to tie up; you know that!  Well don’t just stand there, explain yourself!”

“But honeybun, it isn’t a game; it’s serious business!  In fact, if you’ll excuse me for one second I need to fire this…”

“Don’t you turn away from me when I’m talking to you!”  Marla grabbed Henry by his jacket lapel, turning him around so he faced her again, yanking him away just before he managed to push the deadly button!

“And besides, honeybunch, you never do let me tie you up,” protested the Professor feebly.

“Mpfff!” exclaimed Amber in triumph.  Finally, her hands were free!

“Really, this isn’t what it looks like,” continued the Professor.  “Let me tell you what happened…”

“Mpfff!”  Amber successfully shuffled off the coils surrounding her midsection!  She tore at the knots on her legs ropes, working fast before the Professor realized she was escaping!

“…so you see, I wasn’t doing anything naughty,” concluded Henry, winding up his version of events.  “I was only going to obliterate any trace of Ms. Amphora’s existence so I could claim her wonderful theory for my very own.”

“Mpfff!” said Amber.  Finally, she had disentangled the last knot binding her to that wooden block!  Leaving her gag for later, she bolted out of the room.

“A likely story,” sneered Marla derisively, releasing her husband from her grasp.  “I know what really happened - a little extracurricular activity with a coed who developed a schoolgirl crush on you!  Well, she realized she couldn’t compete with a real woman; as soon as I showed up she dashed off!”

“What!?” exclaimed the Professor, glancing wildly at the wooden block.  “Oh, no!  Now everything is ruined!  My one chance for fame and glory, gone forever.”

“You mean, your one chance to play an unauthorized game of Dungeons and Damsels is gone forever,” corrected Marla.  “You thought you could hide down here where I couldn’t track you down, eh?  Well, I’m keeping a closer eye on you in the future!  Come on, let’s go home now, and then I want you to fetch your bowling ball.  I need to use it for… something.”

___
Professor Weber Dalton, Chairman of the Physics Department, gave a weary, worried sigh.  He stared out the window at the spring rain drumming on the glass panes, seemingly reflecting his own gray mood.  Lately, his every experiment had ended in failure.  Of course, eliminating an incorrect possibility was progress of a sort, but he felt he needed a dynamic, positive result.  What could he do to achieve one?

“Hi, Professor Dalton?” inquired Amber Amphora hesitantly, entering his office to stand nervously before him.  “I was wondering if you had, like, a few spare minutes to listen to an idea of mine….”
Another story about a mad scientist - something completely improbable, of course; after all, in real life, professors never steal ideas form others!
© 2009 - 2024 David-presents
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gear-bound-deamon's avatar
awesome. almost dreamlike, but yet nightmarish. for the scientist.