“So eat Feline Fine Flakes every morning, because they’re really yummy!” exclaimed Tiaret Tiffany.  The pretty petite lion-damsel was wearing a sky-blue evening gown which complemented her long tawny hair.  She gracefully waved a slender arm to draw attention to the large cereal box on the small table next to her.  “I think I did that quite well,” she thought to herself, maintaining the dazzling smile on her face, “except I couldn’t remember what I was actually supposed to say.  But that’s okay; since I’m sure what I did say was better, anyhow!”

“NEXT!” bellowed Bartholomew J. Harvard, IV.  The enormously fat anthropomorphic panther, who was the president of Harvard Breakfast Cereals, waved a dismissive hand as he bit down on the cigar in his mouth.  Smoking was not permitted in the studio, but rules like that never applied to him, of course.

“Well, I guess he must have really liked my audition, from the way he shouted ‘NEXT’ like that so loud,” Tiaret thought happily as she trotted off the stage, and then looked on in interest to see how the next audition would go.

On walked TK, the famous athletic tiger-damsel, dressed in navy-blue gym shorts and an off-white sweatshirt.  “Staying in shape is very important to me!” she announced.  To demonstrate this she used a jump rope to perform a series of jumps.  She then bounded to the punching bag, and landed a few jabs and hooks.  After that she spent a couple seconds running in place, before finally dropping down and doing ten quick push-ups.

“So to give me the energy I need I always start off my day with a healthy breakfast, including Feline Fine Flakes!”  She dashed over to stand next to the cereal box display.  “They’r-r-r-r-re Ter-r-r-r-rifc!”

“Oh, what a shame,” sympathized Tiaret as she moved over next to TK, and gave her a hug, “but don’t feel bad!  You did your best, and that’s what counts!”

“What do you mean?” demanded TK.

Tiaret smiled sympathetically in reply as she looked anxiously into the seats, where Bartholomew J. Harvard, IV was in deep discussion with the various yes-cats who surrounded him.  “Okay, TK!” he shouted.  “Congratulations!  You’re the new spokescat for Feline Fine Flakes.”

“Oh, thank you!” TK exclaimed in delight, but before she could do anything else, Tiaret rushed up to the cereal tycoon.

“Um, I think you just got things a little mixed up,” she explained to him.  “My name’s Tiaret, not TK!  TK is that tigress over there!”

“I know who you are, toots,” he growled in reply.  “Now beat it.  I need to explain a few things to my new girl.”

“But this is all wrong!” protested Tiaret.  “I mean, look at her!  She’s all sweaty and dressed like she’s doing her laundry.  That isn’t right!”

“Yeah, well, for that matter, whoever heard of someone eating breakfast while wearing a formal dress?” he demanded in reply.

“Ooh!” exclaimed Tiaret.  She stormed back to TK, who was still standing on the stage.  “I know what’s going on here!  You were ‘nice’ to that disgusting old panther-man, weren’t you?”

“I’m nice to everyone,” shrugged TK.  “Or at least to those who stay on my good side, anyhow.”

“I don’t mean nice nice, I mean, ooh, I can’t actually say it, but you know what I mean!” replied Tiaret indignantly.

“Just what are you implying?” demanded TK, swishing her long tail angrily.

“I’m not implying anything; you know what you did,” explained Tiaret smugly.  “There’s only one reason you could have possibly gotten the part instead of me!”

“Security!” roared Bartholomew J. Harvard, IV, who, it seemed, never said anything in a normal tone of voice.  “Escort Miss Tiffany off the premises!”

“Take your paws off me!” the lion-damsel exclaimed, shaking off the two grim uniformed bulldogs who came up to her.  “I’m leaving!  I don’t want to be your stupid spokescat, anyhow!  And you know something else?  I think your cereal tastes terrible!”

___
Tiaret gave a sigh of pleasure as she slid into the tub.  “There’s nothing like a bubble bath to cheer me up when I’m down!” she announced.  “Don’t you think so, Mr. Figaro?”

Mr. Figaro, being merely a stuffed teddy bear, made no reply, but stared straight ahead with his dark vacant eyes.

She splashed the water.  “But I still can’t believe what that wicked, wicked TK did!  I wouldn’t have minded her getting the part if she had earned it fair and square, but her audition was terrible!  Wasn’t it, Mr. Figaro?”

Mr. Figaro replied that, of all the auditions he had ever seen, TK’s was undoubtedly the absolute worst.  Of course, Mr. Figaro could not really talk, but sometimes Tiaret liked to pretend he could.

“I try to be kind and sweet to everyone,” continued Tiaret, “but let me tell you, Mr. Figaro, after what TK did I don’t think I could manage it with her!  And to think I thought she was my friend!”

“She was never your friend,” he said somberly.  “She was just pretending to be, while she waited for a chance to stab you in the back!”

“I realize that now,” she mused.  “Well, I’m not going to be nice to her anymore!  Although I don’t know; it’s just not in my nature to be mean!”

“Now listen here,” Mr. Figaro told her gruffly; “sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.  Sometimes you interact with others who think it’s okay to be mean to you.  You can’t be nice back to them!  You need to be even meaner, instead!”

“You’re so right, Mr. Figaro!  If that TK thinks I’m going to just let her get away with her cheating to win that audition then she’s got another think coming!”

“That’s the spirit!” Mr. Figaro encouraged her.  “She deserves whatever you do to her!”

“I really was the best cat for the part,” she said.

“Of course you were,” he agreed.

“But she got the part instead, because of what she did with that old panther.  That must be what happened.”

“I’m sure it is!”

“She probably thought it was so funny, seeing me trying out for the part, when she knew I wouldn’t even be considered!”

“That’s exactly what she thought,” said Mr. Figaro.  “In fact, I’ll bet that once you left, she and Mr. Harvard had a good laugh together at your expense!”

“Oh, they did, did they?  Yes, that’s what happened, all right.  That’s what she would do, all right.  Well!  She won’t be laughing once I’m through with her!”  Tiaret’s eyes shone with determination.  “She’s going to discover the new Tiaret who stands up for herself!”

“Now that’s the Tiaret I like to see!” Mr. Figaro encouraged her.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she would just suddenly disappear?  You know, if she wasn’t around anymore then they’d have to hire a new spokescat!”

“They’d have to hire her in a hurry, too,” said Mr. Figaro, “because of the upcoming live variety show Feline Fine Flakes is airing on TV.  If it just so happened that someone had studied up for the part, and was available to take her place….”

“That would be me!” exclaimed Tiaret.

“You really do need to do something to pay her back,” Mr. Figaro informed her.

“Yes, I do!” agreed Tiaret.  “But what?”

Mr. Figaro told her that he was sure she would think of something.  Or so she imagined him saying, since, of course, Mr. Figaro could not really talk.

“But how, Mr. Figaro, how?” asked Tiaret.  “How can I pay TK back?”

But Mr. Figaro just stared ahead blankly.  Tiaret gave a sigh, and then turned him around so he was facing the wall.  “I need to get out of the tub now,” she giggled, “so no peeking you naughty boy, okay?”

She draped a bathrobe around her body, and wrapped a towel around her long hair.  “Hmm,” she mused to herself as inspiration struck, “yes, that just might work!  Of course, it would mean getting a menial job at that studio, but I could stand it for the short amount of time it would take for me to teach her a lesson!”

___
“Mail call!” announced Tiaret brightly as she wheeled a cart into TK’s dressing room.

“Oh, Tiaret, are you working here now?” asked TK, her eyes wide with surprise.

Tiaret swallowed the sarcastic response that welled up in her throat, and forced herself to keep the happy look on her face.  “Well, I sure am, TK!  And I’ve got a whole bunch of fan mail here for you, too!”

“Listen, Tiaret, about what happened at the audition…”

“Oh, yes, well, no need to apologize, I’ve gotten all over that!” said Tiaret.  She reached into her cart and lifted an enormous mail bag, full of envelopes, which she opened up and poured onto the floor.

“I wish you wouldn’t just dump my mail anywhere like that!”  TK knew from experience that Tiaret didn’t handle rejection well, so she was determined to be patient with her, but TK had a feeling it wasn’t going to be easy.

“Well, I had to put it all somewhere,” sulked Tiaret.  “Oh, and look, here’s a bouquet of flowers for you!”

“My, those are pretty!” enthused TK.  “Who sent them?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” replied Tiaret.  “There was a card that came with them, only it fell off, and I was much to busy to bother looking for it.”

“But I like to know who sends me things,” said TK.  “When you make a delivery like this you need to bring the card, too!”

“Oh, so now you’re trying to tell me how to do my job, is that it?” asked Tiaret.  “You’re a big star now, so it’s okay to talk to lowly peons like me like dirt!”

“All right, all right, I’m sorry,” apologized TK.  “I didn’t mean to speak rudely to you.”

“Well, I guess it’s really not your fault that you have absolutely no empathy for other cats’ feelings, so I forgive you.”  Tiaret held up the bouquet.  “These smell really nice, too!  Here, give them a sniff!”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Oh, come on, they smell great!”

“Oh, all right!” sighed TK.  Just as she leant forward to put her nose into the bouquet she had a momentary impression that something was not quite right before a strange and very un-flowery odor overwhelmed her.

___
“Where are you going?” demanded the security guard, looking at Tiaret and the cart as she started to wheel it out the front door.

“Why, hello, Joe!” she greeted the faithful old basset hound cheerfully.  “I’m off to take the outgoing mail to the post office!”

“But Tiaret, I thought you weren’t supposed to take the mail until later,” he observed, as he peered closer.  “Wow, there sure is a lot of it, isn’t there?  I don’t think I’ve ever seen the mailbag as full as that when it was leaving!  And so early in the day, too!  What’s all in there, anyhow?”

“I don’t know,” shrugged Tiaret; “letters and junk, I guess.  No one tells me anything.  I’m just supposed to take it to the post office, that’s all I know.”

“That mail bag sure is awfully full.  Why, I think it’s bigger than you are!”

“I know, and it’s really heavy, too!” complained Tiaret.

“I’d help you load it into your car, but, you know, my back is acting up again.  I was up half the night with the pain, and now I’m just plain dog-tired.”

“Don’t worry; I can manage just fine by myself, so I want you stay right here, and take it easy!” she quickly admonished him.  “I’d feel terrible if I were responsible for you hurting yourself!”

“Thanks for understanding, Tiaret,” he said, gingerly settling himself back into his chair.  “You’re a real sweetheart!”

“Jerk!” she muttered to herself as she pushed the cart through the parking lot.  “Who does he think he is, making me lift this big heavy bag all by myself!?  He’s the next one I’m going to teach a lesson to!”

___
TK was very upset for having allowed herself to be captured so easily.  “Mpfff!” she growled in frustration, for her jaws were taped shut.  Now, while under normal circumstances she could bite down with a considerable amount of force, opening her mouth was quite another matter, and the tape did its job, and kept her effectively silenced.

Besides being gagged she was also secured with ropes and more tape to the chair where she was sitting.  Each of her arms had been bound to an armrest, and each leg was tied to one of the legs of the chair, while her muscular torso had been roped to its back.  Even her tail had not been forgotten; it was stretched out and knotted around one of the back legs of the chair.  She was seated so that she was facing a television, which was showing the live broadcast of the Feline Fine Flakes Variety Show, Starring Tiaret Tiffany!

“Thank you, everyone, for tuning in to see me!” the lioness beamed happily as she came out wearing a pastel-pink evening gown.  The Teleprompters displayed her next lines, but, being the consummate actress which she was, she ignored them and adlibbed instead.  “And I hope you remembered to eat your Feline Fine Flakes for breakfast this morning, because if you didn’t then I’m going to have to be very cross with you!”

“Arrgh!” roared Bartholomew J. Harvard, IV, slapping a paw to his face.  “Why can’t she stick to the script?  She’s ruining my show!  This is terrible!  I tell you, things never go as I plan!”

There was no response, for Mr. Harvard was alone in the room where he watched the show except for one other cat, and this other cat did not deign to reply to Mr. Harvard’s outburst.

“And we’ve got some of your favorite movie stars and pop singers lined up to appear on our show,” continued Tiaret; “although, as I’ve decided to surprise everyone by performing a few unscheduled routines of my own, I’m not sure if we’re going to have time for any of them!”

“NOOOOOOO!” screamed Mr. Harvard, writhing in agony.  “I spent a fortune paying all those celebrities to appear on my show.  You can’t do this to me!”

“And now, maestro,” said Tiaret, turning to Manny Montez, the ocelot bandleader who was staring at her in open astonishment, “play me something zippy!”  A moment later some lively music started.  Tiaret picked up three ninepins.  “You probably never guessed that I could juggle, now did you?” she asked, giving the audience a broad wink as she tossed the ninepins into the air, which she then proceeded to manipulate skillfully.

“ARRGH!” roared Mr. Harvard, even louder, slapping his other paw to his face.  “I handled things all wrong.  I should have hired her at the audition, and then had you replace her when she mysteriously disappeared, TK!”

“Mpfff!” replied TK defiantly from her chair.

“It was such a good publicity stunt,” groaned the old panther.  “I discover a brand-new star to appear in my variety show.  Suddenly she disappears!  What could have happened to her?  The speculation about the missing Feline Fine Flakes girl goes on TV and in the newspapers, giving us all the free publicity we could wish!”

“Mpfff!”

“And then this bimbo ruins everything by making a mockery of my show!  She was supposed to just come out and introduce the guests, not perform herself!  I’ll tell you one thing,” continued Mr. Harvard furiously, “first thing tomorrow I’m hiring me a new spokescat!  One who does what I tell her to!”

“Mpfff!” replied TK, doing her best to show her support for Tiaret.  That was the way to stand up to this old tyrant!

“But first,” said Mr. Harvard menacingly, “I’ve got to deal with you… permanently!”

___
“I can’t wait until I see Mr. Harvard again.  He’s probably really happy with all the changes I made to his show!” thought Tiaret as she started for her dressing room.  “Although I don’t know if I can stay on as the Feline Fine Flakes spokescat after this, since I’m probably going to be so famous!”  And with that she started imagining herself getting signed to a Hollywood movie contract, and starring in the next Danny’s Damsels movie, where she would play one of the glamorous private eyes who worked for the mysterious Danny; solving crimes while wearing stylish outfits, and getting tied up along the way.

“But poor TK.  I wonder whatever happened to her?” she mused as she wandered on her way.  “I haven’t seen her since I played that trick on her, which I really shouldn’t have done.”  She had bought that joke bouquet of flowers at a novelty shop, and when TK had smelled them instead of a sweet odor a terrible stench had hit her nose!  The expression on her face then was priceless!  That had taught her a lesson!

But then afterwards Tiaret had begun to regret what she had done.  “After all, TK is my friend,” she told herself, “and she did win the audition fair and square.  That was wrong of me.  That, and the rest of the way I behaved.  That’s what I get for listening to Mr. Figaro!  Sometimes I think he doesn’t really give me such good advice.”

So on her way back from delivering that enormous bag of mail to the post office she had stopped off at a supermarket and picked up a gallon of Ober Prized “Partly Cloudy Skies” flavor ice cream for a peace offering, since she liked their blueberry with marshmallows variety the very best.  But when she had returned to TK’s dressing room with the ice cream she discovered the place was in a shambles.  Somebody had abducted the tiger-damsel, although not, so it appeared, before she had put up quite a fight.

Bartholomew J. Harvard, IV had immediately summoned the police, promising them his full support in finding the culprits responsible.  He strongly reiterated this to the reporters at his press conference as well, so it had come as quite a surprise to Tiaret when she heard one of the police officers angrily remarking that it seemed to him that Mr. Harvard was actually doing everything he could to hinder their investigation.

“I know I said it would be wonderful if she would just suddenly disappear, but I didn’t really mean it; I was just upset,” she thought unhappily.  “I’d give anything to have her back safe!”

She stopped suddenly, realizing that, just as she had had become lost in her thoughts, so had she become lost in the enormous building.  “I’d better get out of here,” she told herself.  “Mr. Harvard said this area was unsafe, so no one was allowed to be here.  This is the old part of the building which was used to film black-and-white shows back in the early days of TV.”

She turned around to retrace her steps.  “But how did I get in here at all?  The door to this hallway is kept locked all the time!”

She started walking back, when she heard a faint noise.  “Somebody’s in that room!” she announced.  “And that’s against the rules.  I’m going in there, and telling them they need to leave at once!”

“Mpfff!” roared TK as she saw Tiaret walk in.  The feisty tiger-damsel had been struggling with all her might to free herself, but was still hopelessly trapped with the rope and tape which bound her to her chair.

“TK!  You’re all tied up!  What happened to you?  Were you kidnapped?  Yes, that must be it; you were kidnapped!”

“Mpfff,” replied TK, furiously jerking her head to one side in an effort to draw Tiaret’s attention to the loudly-ticking old alarm clock which was attached by some thin wires to several sticks of dynamite.

“Why are you twisting you neck like that?” asked Tiaret.  “Do you have a cramp?  I could see how you might get a cramp if you were kept tied up for a long time!”

“Mpfff!” said TK, dropping her head in exasperation.

“Something’s not right here,” observed Tiaret.  “You’re in this area which is kept locked, and only Mr. Harvard has the key!  But that doesn’t make any sense, since Mr. Harvard wouldn’t kidnap you!”

“Mpfff!” repeated TK, looking anxiously at the bomb.  It didn’t matter whether Tiaret understood or not; she just needed to untie her!

“I know what happened!” proclaimed Tiaret.  “This is just a publicity stunt!”

“Mpfff!” agreed TK, pleading with her eyes for Tiaret to untie her.

“Some famous Hollywood movie star is supposed to just happen to find you here, and rescue you at the last second, right?”

“Mpfff!”  TK vigorously shook her head no, as she noticed the long black minute hand on the clock.  It was practically touching the gray alarm hand!

“Well, I’ll just leave you here, then, with your pretend bomb,” said Tiaret sadly, starting to leave.

“MPFFF!”

“And to think I was so worried about you!” blazed Tiaret, spinning around.  “And all along you were perfectly okay!”

“MPFFF!” said TK desperately.  She was sure there were only seconds left before the bomb went off!

“And I suppose once you get ‘rescued’ that you’ll go back to being the Feline Fine Flakes spokescat, is that it?!  Well!  And to think I actually felt sorry for the way I was behaving towards you!  But let me tell you something; your little plan isn’t going to work!  And do you know why it isn’t going to work?” demanded Tiaret.  She glanced around the small room, looking first at the bomb, then over at the ancient television set, before her bright eyes spied a long rusty knife lying in the dust on the floor nearby, which she picked up and waved meaningfully as she advanced on TK.  “Well, do you?!”

“MPFFFFFFFFFF!”

“It isn’t going to work because you won’t be here to be ‘rescued’ by any famous Hollywood movie star.  That’s right!  I’m ruining your plans, and untying you myself, right now!” announced Tiaret.  She used the knife to vigorously cut the ropes and tape that surrounded TK.  As soon as she was able to the tiger-damsel sprang to her feet, grabbed Tiaret, and raced out of the room, dragging the chair which was still tied to her tail, just as an explosion ripped through the area, knocking the two of them to their feet.

“What just happened?” asked Tiaret as she gasped for breath.  The overhead sprinklers were dousing the hallway as it filled with smoke, and she could hear the sounds of the fire alarms clanging loudly.

“Mpfff!” replied TK, and, in one swift motion, ripped off the tape which was keeping her mouth shut.  She unknotted her tail and briefly flexed her muscles.  “I’ll explain it to you later,” she informed Tiaret tersely.  “Right now, though, there’s a certain disgusting old panther-man I need to deal with!”