Batman Solves All

A fanfiction based on the live-action Batman television program from the 1960s’s.

*”When last we saw Batgirl, the Penguin had her tied on a conveyor belt in an abandoned metal processing plant…”*

Batgirl squirmed helplessly in the ropes, as the conveyor belt jerked her forward.

*”…heading ever closer to a machine cutting metal sheets into empty sardine tins!  Meanwhile, the Penguin’s moll, Pen Gwen, has donned a Batgirl costume in a sneaky plot to deceive the Dynamic Duo!”*

Pen Gwen placed the Batgirl cowl onto her red hair, and trotted outside.

*”But wait!  The worst is yet to come!”*

………………..
[Exciting cutaway music, followed by the Batman theme.  The opening credits display against an animated background.]

………………..
Robin smacked a fist into his other hand as Batman drove the Batmobile through the Gotham City streets.  “That Penguin!  When I see him, I’m going to make him sorry!  I’ll punish him…”

“Our first priority, Robin, will be Batgirl’s safety,” Batman interrupted gently.  “As for Penguin, our duty as duly deputized officers of the law is clear.  We will turn him over to be tried in a court of law.  That court alone will decide on his punishment, which, we hope, will lead to his eventual rehabilitation.”

“Gosh, Batman, you’re right,” Robin agreed.  “It’s just the thought of Batgirl in his hands makes me so angry!”

“It makes me angry as well, old chum,” Batman replied.  “However, we must use that anger constructively, and not give into our darker urges.  It is self-control which separates us from the criminal element.”

The Batmobile’s radio beeped before Robin could answer.  “Pardon the intrusion, sir,” Alfred the butler said respectfully, “but there is a live television news broadcast I believe you and Master Robin might find relevant.”

“Thank you, Alfred.”  Batman switched on the Batmobile’s tiny television.

“We’re live in uptown Gotham City,” the news reporter announced, “with Batgirl, who says she has just escaped from the Penguin’s lair, where she had been held captive.”

“That’s right,” said Pen Gwen, who looked exactly like Batgirl, at least when viewed on a five-inch analog television screen.  “He had me tied up, but I twisted and squirmed and got free of the ropes.  Then I ran away before Pengy and the finks could catch me again!”

“What a remark story of courage and perseverance!  Can you tell our viewers where this arch-criminal kept you prisoner?”

Pen Gwen paused briefly.  “I can’t say, as giving away the location might hamper the police investigation.”

“Of course, I quite understand,” said the news reporter.  “Thank you for taking the time to talk with us, Batgirl.”

“My pleasure,” Pen Gwen replied.  She hopped on the Batgirlcycle and sped away.

“Holy extrication, Batman!” Robin exclaimed.  “It sure was lucky Batgirl got herself free!”

“Yes, it would seem that way,” Batman agreed.  He activated the radio.  “Batgirl, this is Batman.  Do you read me, Batgirl?”

He repeated the call several times before getting a response.  “Yes, Batman, I read you.”

“Are you all right, Batgirl?”

The answering voice sounded slightly annoyed.  “Yes, Batman, I’m fine.  I escaped from the Penguin, but I can’t talk more right now.  I’m on my way to… to study the evidence to figure out what his next crime will be.  I’ll contact you when I learn something more.”

………………..
*”As Pen Gwen returns to the abandoned metal processing facility, we see that Batgirl’s fate is growing ever direr!”*

“Mpfff!” Batgirl said.  The mechanical cutter drew in another sheet of aluminum as it continued to spit out empty sardine tins.  The caped crimefighter twisted and turned, as she continued to be drawn closer and closer to the machine.

“Hi, Pengy!” Pen Gwen called out.  She had changed from the Batgirl outfit back into her green jumper.

“Welcome back, my dear.”  The Penguin gave her a quick embrace.

“Hasn’t the machine done its job on her yet?” Pen Gwen asked petulantly, frowning at Batgirl’s frantic struggles.

“These things take time,” the Penguin answered carelessly.

“You could have placed her closer,” Pen Gwen pointed out.  “It would’ve been over by now, if you had.”

“What’s your hurry?” asked the Penguin.  “This way she has time to think about what a pestilent plague she’s been all this time, won’t you, my dear?”

Batgirl gave an angry retort, stifled by the gag, as her boots disappeared inside the machine.

The Penguin put his arm around Pen Gwen.  “I saw you on television.  Marvelous acting, a performance worthy of an Academy Award.  Batman and the Boy Blunder will never suspect Batgirl is in any danger!”

“You’re wrong, Penguin!” Batman shouted.

“We saw through your cheap deception,” Robin added.  “We’ll rescue Batgirl and you and your finks will be charged with attempted murder, kidnapping, and trespassing on private property!”

“The dynamic dimwits!” squawked the Penguin.  “How did you know to come here?”

“Penelope Gwendolyn was very convincing on television,” said Batman.  “However, when she started the Batgirlcycle, she pulled into traffic without signaling her intentions.  The real Batgirl is much too committed to traffic safety to violate so flagrantly the rules of the road!”

“We contacted her on her radio,” Robin added.  “We were able to track her by her radio signal, comparing it against our position as we moved, thus discovering her location through the use of…” he paused dramatically, “…trigonometry!”

“Trickerometry, more like it!” roared the Penguin. He turned on Pen Gwen in fury.  “Why couldn’t you be more careful?”

“I’m sorry Pengy,” she answered.

“Not as sorry as you’re going to be,” he promised her, returning his attention to Batman and Robin as they swiftly moved forward.  “Very clever, but if you’re going to rescue Batgirl, you’d better be quick.  She’s already halfway inside!”

“MPFFFF!” Batgirl called out as she jerked forward, her hips disappearing.

“Robin, to the rescue!” Batman shouted.

Tern and Auk jumped forward, blocking their way.  Batman and Robin knocked them aside and raced to Batgirl, just as her shoulders were pulled inside the machine.  They reached inside, pulling her out quickly.

“Holy close shaves!” Robin exclaimed, looking down at Batgirls boots, with their bottoms cut off.

Batman tossed Batgirl’s gag aside.  “Batgirl!  Are you okay?”

“Nothing a change of boots won’t fix,” she answered brightly.  “I’m sorry Penguin got away once again, though.”

………………..
“Batgirl!  Can you ever forgive me?” Police Chief O’Hara asked her as she followed Batman and Robin into Commissioner Gordon’s office.  “To think I was deceived by that Pen Gwen’s act and told me officers to stop looking for you.”

“She fooled me as well,” the Commissioner said glumly.

“It’s quite understandable, Commissioner, Chief,” said Batman.  “Two such models of integrity as yourself are naturally slow to suspect duplicity in others.”

“Thank you for your kind words, Batman,” said the Commissioner.  “However, another matter has arisen, causing me concern.”

“Holy rapid fire!” exclaimed Robin.  “You don’t mean the Penguin has struck again already?”

“I’m not sure, Boy Wonder,” the Commissioner said.  “I’ve had a phone call from the library.  My daughter, Barbara, hasn’t gone to work this afternoon, and they’ve been unable to reach her on her phone at home.”

“Oh, I’m certain Barbara is alright,” Batgirl said quickly.

“I wish I could share you certainty, Batgirl,” the Commissioner sighed, “but I’m very worried.  What if the Penguin has made her his next target?”

“I find it alarming as well,” Batman agreed.  “Did she mention anything to you about any plans she had, Commissioner?”

“As far as I knew, she would go into work, as I said.”  The Commissioner stood up and clasped his hands.  “If she fell into the Penguin’s hands as well…!”

“Don’t worry, Commissioner, we’ll find her somehow!” Robin said.  “Batgirl, do you…?  Batgirl?  Batman, she’s gone again!  Do you think she knows where Barbara Gordon is, Batman?”

“I doubt it Robin, or she would have shared the information with us,” said Batman.

The intercom buzzed.  “Commissioner Gordon, your daughter is on the line.”

“Thank you, Bonnie.”  The Commissioner picked up his telephone.  “Hello, Barbara?  Are you okay?  I’ve been frantic with worry!  I received a call from the library… oh, an emergency trip to the dentist… your mouth was too sore for you to talk, so you couldn’t let anyone know… yes, yes, I’m so relieved you’re safe and feeling better now.”

After saying good-bye, he hung up his phone.  “That was my daughter, Barbara,” he explained.  “She didn’t go to work because she needed some emergency dental work.”

“I deduced as much, Commissioner,” said Batman.

“Sure’n it’s a load off me mind to know the colleen’s safe, but we still need to find the Penguin!” exclaimed Chief O’Hara.  “The women of our city aren’t safe with that scoundrel loose, but he could be holed up anywhere!”

“Not anywhere, Commissioner,” Batman corrected him meaningfully.

“Saints preserve us!” Chief O’Hara exclaimed.  “You mean you know where that felonious bird is?”

“Not for a certainly,” said Batman, “but given the predictability of the criminal mind, I believe we can find him.  Come, Robin, to the Batmobile!”

………………..
*”Meanwhile, back at the abandoned Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory, the Penguin is once again cooking up a dastardly scheme!”*

“Mpfff!” screamed Pen Gwen, kicking her legs wildly.  She hung in the air, her arms stretched up over her head.  Her wrists were bound together, connected to a rope on a pulley.  A white cloth covered her mouth.

“My plans in ruins, but at least I can show Gotham City how I deal with incompetence!” squawked the Penguin.  “Leaving the Batgirlcycle radio on so the Bat Buffoon could trace you?  You will slowly be lowered into the boiling fish oil below!  Waugh, waugh, waugh!”

“Boss, don’t you think that’s a bit harsh?” asked Tern as Pen Gwen screamed again.

“You’ve scared her enough so she won’t do it again,” added Auk.

“QUIET!” shouted the Penguin.  “You dare question my modus operandi?  Turn the winch so the wench will meet her doom.  Do it, I say, or I’ll throw you in with her!”

Tern looked at Auk, but the pair turned a large handle.  Pen Gwen’s struggles became more frantic as she drew closer to the boiling oil below….

………………..
“Gosh, Batman, do you really think the Penguin returned to the Wholly Mackerel Fish Canning Factory?” Robin asked.

“I suspect, Robin, that when our arch-enemy encountered this latest setback that he fell back onto familiar territory rather than go somewhere new,” Batman explained.  “However, rather than enter directly, we’ll go through these windows, so as not to alert the Penguin of our approach.”

“Waugh, waugh, waugh,” laughed the Penguin, enjoying the sight of Pen Gwen’s efforts to escape.  “I wouldn’t try so hard to slip those ropes, my dear.  All you’ll do is end up in the soup, er, oil, all the faster!  Waugh, waugh, waugh!”

“Boss, what’s that?” Auk asked.

“It’s a monster!” Tern shrieked

“What?”  The Penguin turned to where the henchman pointed.  There, on the wall, was the shadow of a gigantic bat!  “It’s not a monster, you cowering cowards!  It’s Batman stretching out his cape, trying to frighten us with his cheap theatrics.  Get him, finks!”

Auk and Tern charged towards Batman and Robin just as Batgirl darted into the room through the door.  Batman swung a fist against Tern, sending the henchman tumbling to the ground.

BAFF!

Batgirl dodged swipe from the Penguin’s umbrella and kicked out with one foot.

OOF!

The Penguin got to his feet groggily as Batgirl raced to Batman and Robin.  She laughed as the henchmen swung at her, completely missing as she dodged by them.  Batman and Robin lifted her into the air so she could kick with both feet, directly at Auk and Tern.

ZAM!

“You’re supposed to be being lowered into the oil,” the Penguin grumbled, noticing Pen Gwen swinging in the air.  “I’ll do it myself.”  He grasped the handle and started turning.

“MPFFF!” she screamed.  The heels of her go-go boots were mere inches from the boiling oil!

“At least this will go right!” the Penguin announced.

Robin grabbed the Penguin’s hands, pulling them off the handle, but Tern pulled Robin away.  “That’s right, take care of the Boy Blunder while I finish my business here,” said the Penguin.

Robin tried to get up, but Tern held him down.  Batgirl picked up a chair and cracked it across Auk’s back.  The henchman staggered, but came forward again, blocking both Batman and Batgirl from coming to Pen Gwen’s help!

“Waugh, waugh, waugh!” laughed the Penguin, turning the handle faster.

“Hold on, Penelope Gwendolyn!” shouted Batman.  Before Auk could react, Batman threw a Batboomerang with a rope attached.  The rope wound several times around Pen Gwen’s ankles and Batman pulled her away from the boiling oil.

Auk leapt forward, knocking Batman’s arm.

“MPFFF!” screamed Pen Gwen as she swung back, directly over the oil!

Batman knocked Auk aside and lunged for the rope, once again pulling Pen Gwyn out of harm’s way.  The Penguin gave an angry shriek as Pen Gwyn safely landed on the floor.  A moment later, both henchmen were subdued and Batman snapped the Batcuffs on the Penguin’s wrists.

………………..
“Sad, sad, sad,” said Commissioner Gordon.  He looked sorrowfully at the Penguin.  “Once again it is my sad duty to send you off to the Gotham State Penitentiary.  I sincerely hope that this, the twentieth time for you, Penguin, finally teaches you the errors of your ways.”

“Faugh!” squawked the Penguin.  “Warden Crichton and his modern penological principals may sound all very pretty in principle, but it’ll take more to ruffle this bird’s feathers!  I’ll be out of that cardboard prison in no time.  With my wealth and contacts I’ll be back to terrorize Gotham City once again, wait and see!”

“I’m sorry to see you so unrepentant, Penguin,” said Batman.  “At least I have higher hopes for Miss Penelope Gwendolyn.”

“Yes, Batman,” said Pen Gwyn, clinking the manacles that restrained her wrists.  “After what Pengy did to me, I’ve learned my lesson about associating with criminals.”

Batman spoke earnestly.  “I believe you have, Miss, which is why I recommended the judge give you such a lenient sentence.  I have also spoken with my good friend, Bruce Wayne, who has agreed to arrange suitable employment for you once you are eligible for parole.”

“Oh, thank you, Batman!”  Pen Gwen stepped forward and lightly kissed him on the cheek, earning a frown from Batgirl.

“Gosh, Br… Batman, do you think that’s wise?” asked Robin.  “How do we know Pen Gwyn isn’t just faking?”

“I’m certain that as president of the parole board, Bruce Wayne will review her prison record carefully, old chum,” Batman replied.  “He will not be taken in lightly by a deception on her part.”

“’He won’t be taken in lightly…’ pshaw!” said the Penguin.  “He’s recommended me for parole nineteen times so far and been wrong every time!”

“Begorrah, Batman, do you think maybe Bruce Wayne is too lenient with the convicts in the State Prison?” asked Chief O’Hara as Commissioner Gordon nodded his head in sympathy.

“I believe, gentlemen, that I can speak for Bruce Wayne in stating that everyone deserves a second chance… or, in Penguin’s case, a twentieth chance, should he prove himself worthy of such an opportunity.  And now, if you’ll excuse me, Robin and I are urgently required elsewhere.”

………………..
*”Several days later, on a sunny day at the Gotham City Central Park…”*

“Thank you for inviting me out, Bruce,” Barbara Gordon said.  “It’s delightful to enjoy a day out when the weather’s so nice.”

“It was my pleasure,” Bruce Wayne replied.  “I’m glad I was able to, for it’s rare I have a chance to simply relax, for my… business pursuits keep me so busy.  Is your tooth any better?”

“My tooth?” she asked blankly.  “Oh, yes, my tooth.  Yes, much better, thanks for asking.”

“I wonder what’s keeping Aunt Harriet?” asked Dick Grayson.

“I believe she went over to purchase an ice cream cone, Master Grayson,” Alfred the butler announced.

The elderly woman soon rejoined the small group.  “What delicious ice cream!” she exclaimed.  “But it’s sold by such a funny man!”

Bruce paused suddenly.  “A funny man, you say, Aunt Harriet?”

“Why yes, he’s dressed in a… well, it looks a bit like a gray spacesuit and has some kind of cooling pack on.  He said it was to keep the ice cream at a proper temperature to taste perfect.  It really does seem to be working, but the poor man must be simply freezing!”

“Holy human icicle!” Dick exclaimed, although he kept his voice low enough so only Bruce could hear.  “That sounds just like our old enemy, Mr. Freeze!  Let’s go get him, right now!”

“No, old chum,” said Bruce.  “We have no proof that he is up to any illegal activity.  Although I admit it is highly unlikely, he could be here as an honest ice cream vendor.  However, I suggest we return to stately Wayne Manor quickly, as it may be prudent of us to remain close to the Batphone for the foreseeable future.”

As Bruce Wayne led the way from the park, Mr. Freeze chuckled softly and served another cone.

*”Mr. Freeze, an honest ice cream vendor?  Or is it merely a front before he launches another blizzard of criminality against the honest citizens of Gotham City?  For the answers, tune in to this channel next week!”*